Thursday, September 27, 2012

Dear McDonald's Monopoly,

If I can get through to the end of October without going to McDonald's and losing my soul and waistline to Monopoly, I will have won.

The likelihood of you winning is much higher than I'd like to admit.

Stop having delicious breakfast options that also fake promise me fortune and more breakfast options for free.

#Selfcontrolbeingtried

From,
Me

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Dear Caribou Coffee,

Please keep your pumpkin chai on the menu past the fall season.  It is a wonderful drink, probably superior to your standard chai latte. I understand why it is part of the seasonal specials, but I also think it would sell particularly well throughout the year.  Also, I'm always most broke during the fall, and want to be able to enjoy these drinks year round!

No really, the pumpkin chai is delicious.

From,
Me

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Dear people who helped us move,

Thank you for your help. We genuinely couldn't have done it without you. We both owe you big time. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Also, we moved mostly because we didn't have enough space.  We didn't even have enough space to pack functionally until we started getting things into the truck. Special thanks to those of you who spoke out to make us feel shitty about that. We weren't trying to abuse your offer of help, but it certainly was a clear example of why we moved. Thanks for being so kind and considerate on an incredibly stressful day. Weeks later, we're still carrying your comments with us. You've probably forgotten you said any thing.

But, all that is trying to be behind us, and we can't wait to have everyone over for dinner once we're all settled!!

From,
Me

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Dear cute children who are "famous" due to their internet presence,

I'm sorry your parents and loved ones film and put you on youtube.

I love having access to my home videos of my childhood. Being able to look back on those moments as I grow up has been really special. I've also been able to control who sees them- if my parents thought someone should see the moment when I was in kindergarten and jumping up and down as popcorn, I could run away with the VHS and stop them from showing it. I never had to get to high school or college and realize all my peers saw me stoned after a dentist visit, try to explain a movie I'd never seen, or dancing "cutely".

I hope that you've survived it. I hope that you are, for the most part, not a victim of our voyeuristic society. Ideally, as you grow up, your face shape or general look has changed enough that you can get through your life without people asking if you're the person who was bitten by your brother / had a funny cat / lip synched to a song enthusiastically. I hope that you haven't joined the current generation of over-sharers, having learned your lesson from being so darn cute in your childhood.

Or you're famous. Whatever.

From,
Me

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Dear spas and salons offering special "deals",

Whether you are offering your different prices as "sales", "specials", "limited time offers", or Groupons / Living Socials / other deal-of-the-day options, I'm talking to you.  I love a lot of your services. I'm a huge fan of the occasional pamper, and I'd never say no to a well done massage.  I would make pilgrimages to your wonderful stress free oases regularly if I could afford to.  

That said, please start offering deals that are useful!  I'm sure lots of people take you up on your special deal on a very specific and potentially dangerous new fad hair treatment.  I know you "sell out" of your sales on a hot stone- aromatherapeutic-couples-teaching-(insert yogic term here) massage treatment.  Obviously, it is a good business model for you.  But just once, could you please offer x% off any treatment?  Or, Buy one treatment get another free?  I would kill to be able to afford a simple 60 or 90 minute swedish massage, a haircut, and a brow wax. Simple, basic, and no less relaxing than your specialty item that you can't get anyone to book.  

Please, offer a basic sale. I would love to give you my money.

From,
Me